Bill & Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure

I love Bill and Ted. This franchise has it all. Free-wheelin' time-travelin' excitement, damsels in distress, a phone booth, two completely different but equally cool glimpses of the future, air guitar, a trip to Hell complete with a demonic grandma, and of course, evil robot twins. Damned if I don't ALWAYS love a good bunch of evil robot twins.

I loved their Excellent Adventure. I loved their Bogus Journey. I loved their cartoon series and can still belt out the chorus to its theme song. I even loved their crappy live action TV show (okay, that's a lie). I wanted all of their action figures for Christmas. When I saw the elusive phone booth accessory in Toys "R" Us, I was ecstatic. It was the last one in the store and the box had clearly been taped back up after someone stole its antenna, but I begged for it until my mother gave in. I dreamed of saving enough money to send away for the mail-in exclusive concert versions of Bill and Ted because they came with mini-amplifiers that allowed any B&T figure to play real music! Alas, it was not to be.

It goes down like this: Rufus shows up and tells Bill and Ted that someone's been messing around with the past. Historical figures have been plucked from their appropriate eras and stranded elsewhere in the time stream. It's your job to use the phone booth to put everything right. Unfortunately Rufus can only leave a payphone, so unnecessary time hopping will cost you. For each level, you must dial the number of a famous individual, locate them, and lure them out of hiding with "historical bait" that you find in the level. Along the way you'll run into townsfolk in period clothing that can either help or harm you. What you choose to say to them affects how forthcoming they are and how quickly you complete your mission. If you start pissing people off you'll need to distract the angry villagers with tasty pudding, rock and roll music, exploding textbooks, and firecrackers. End up in jail and you'd better have a skeleton key to bust out, or it's game over.

I don't know about you, but if I were going to set up a Bill and Ted game, this is exactly how I'd do it. All the concepts you remember from the first film are here. The dialogue choices are written in perfect surfer-speak and surprisingly rife with clever references and B&T style humor. When asked to say something wise, Ted can choose to say "If you chew a wintergreen mint in the dark, you get these excellent sparks in your mouth." To make friends with an Indian, Bill may remark "Dude, the way that we have treated Native Americans is most non-triumphant!" A little scan of Alex Winter or Keanu Reeves' face even appears next to the lines when Bill or Ted speaks. And best of all, you actually get to meet yourself just like in the movie. What wisdom does your future self impart upon you? None. He's too busy playing Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure II - The Sequel. Everything a hardcore B&T fan could want in terms of presentation is here. ...But then you have to actually play it.

This, friends, is a tough game, and not in a "challenging" sort of way, but in a "this game sucks" sort of way. There are three kinds of villagers: those who stand around, those who walk calmly, and those who run through the streets like maniacs for no apparent reason. The standers will give you clues and items. After you finish talking with them they will have served their purpose and become walkers. The walkers will knock you over, blame you for it, and then demand you pay them a coin or be sent to jail. The runners are apparently not in it for the money. Seeing you go directly to jail is payment enough for them. Ignoring the fact that this setup is entirely illogical, let me paint a scenario for you. Bill is skipping around the Old West, searching for Elvis, when he comes across a standing Indian. The Indian has an item for him, a shiny gold coin left by his friend Ted. Thanks, Mr. Indian. You're swell. Upon finishing the conversation, the standing Indian becomes a walking Indian, plows straight into Bill and-apparently having no memory of what just happened-demands a coin for the inconvenience. While Bill tries to make sense of this pointless exchange, a lunatic in a ten-gallon hat comes careening down the planes and sideswipes him, sending him immediately to jail. Luckily, Bill has a trusty skeleton key! Wait, what's that? He used them all up the last eight times this happened? Oh well, game over.

If you actually manage to get inside a house/castle/pyramid/whatever, you'll have the opportunity to pick the responses for Bill and Ted that will trick who you're speaking with into giving up more nebulous info. Want to hear what the weapons dealer will say when you humorously tell him to give peace a chance? Better have the save state feature ready because he'll get angry and kick you out of the store. This will cause the ENTIRE TOWN to become running maniacs and you'll no doubt have to restart. If you're lucky enough to stay in everyone's good graces and get a straightforward clue like "Elvis is three doors down from the sheriff's office," you're still in trouble because you have no idea where the sheriff's office is since the whole damn place looks the same.

While we're on the subject of graphics, I should mention that no one has a face in this game. As I said, you get little heads during dialogue, but otherwise nothing but a flat pink oval. Some of the worlds are colorful enough, but others are drab and depressing, with no detail whatsoever. Even the short level bumper scenes of Bill and Ted in concert as the Wyld Stallyns are unimpressive.