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There's a chance this game could get freaking awesome toward the end,
but I can personally attest to the fact that the first five levels
out of six are bland, boring, tasteless, artless, thrown together,
crappy, slipshod, who-the-hell-cares, quicky, dumb, uninspired, stupid
rubbish.
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Any charm
Twain's original characters might have had is entirely absent
in Japanese developer Seta's ham-handed 1989 adaptation of "The
Adventures of Tom Sawyer". You take on the role of Tom
who has fallen asleep in class and is dreaming of having wacky
adventures up and down the good ol' Mississip'. And when I say
"wacky adventures", I guess what I really mean is
the most unimaginative, generic adventures conceivable. If Tom
successfully fights his way through level after dull level without
being pummeled to death or slipping off something, he wins the
heart of pretty li'l Becky... in the dream... not in real life.
Nope, the real Becky's saving herself until community college
where she'll give her most precious of gifts to a tortured,
chain-smoking, European art major who will dump her the next
semester, leaving her a weeping, crumpled, alcoholic ball of
self-loathing.
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And it
pretty much looks like this the whole way through.
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Okay, I took a
breath. While an RPG or adventure game utilizing the Tom Sawyer cast
of characters might have been passable, grafting the concept onto
an action game creates quite the abysmal result. First let's discuss
enemies. While Tom occasionally runs across a human character to match
wits with, the vast majority of his adversaries are cute little woodland
animals gone BAD. Yes, the designers took the
Jekyll and Hyde route and went with the
concept that the entire animal kingdom has some unexplained vendetta
against young Tom, and has put the warm and fuzzy equivalent of a
hit out on him.
Taking this concept
to the extreme, the level bosses are gigantic, randomly chosen animals.
And when I say randomly chosen, please understand that you'll be facing
a rat, an octopus, and a giant gorilla made up of several smaller
gorillas. On a completely unrelated note, drug restrictions are far
more lax in Japan. These sweethearts might look docile, uninterested,
perhaps even eerily calm, but their poor design won't prevent them
from spawning mini-creatures, screeching out deadly sound waves, or
performing any number of other entirely illogical attacks.
A scene based on one of Twain's unpublished
works, "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Grape Ape".
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Luckily,
our hero has an endless supply of rocks to lob at his foes.
Unfortunately, he throws like a fucking girl. Every single toss
flies up in an impressively ineffectual arc before landing several
feet behind your intended target. To actually hit something,
you've got to stand exactly the right distance away from it,
or just fling wildly in all directions until you get in a lucky
shot. No matter what you do, there is no way to just throw straight.
Let me reiterate: A direct attack on anything immediately in
front of you is impossible. Clever challenge or just dumb? Just
dumb. Eventually you're given the opportunity to pick up a slingshot
with a limited amount of ammo. This sucker will shoot straight,
but it's too little too late. Besides, you'll be used to the
rocks by then and probably screw it up anyway. You loser.
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Incidentally, one
hit will cause Tom to disintegrate into a puff of smoke. Go back and
re-read that. You've only got three Toms for the game, but collecting
twenty T icons (dropped by most slain enemies) will net you another.
However, if you accidentally pick up just one of the devious skull
icons, kiss ten whole T icons goodbye. Whatever. You won't care.
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What's
that I hear you say? Graphics? What, the pictures that come
up on the screen while you play? Well, let's see here, we've
got some Atari level stuff around here someplace, is that
what you're looking for? No? Well, then we can't help you.
Sky is FLAT purple with only the occasional cloud to break
up the monotony. The great majority of the walls and level
objects are dark, drab brown. I can't tell if I'm playing
a Nintendo game, or MS Paint. Granted, it was 1989, but come
on; we'd already seen Megaman, Metroid, Contra, and tons of
other games with far prettier pixels.
As for
sound, I actually have to admit the game really delivers.
The quality is crisp and well defined, and the tunes themselves
are upbeat, catchy, and a total joy to partake of. ...Nah,
I'm kidding they're repetitive, two note midi horrors, just
like you'd expect.
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If you're
ever rafting up the Mississippi, make sure to watch out for
KILLER WHALES!
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If you're a sadist
and/or masochist, you can both extend your own time with this piece
of junk, and rope a friend into the terror as well. Yes, you and a
pal can magically become Tom and Huck as you take turns competing
to see who can beat the levels the fastest. Two men enter. One man
leave. Actually I recommend both of you leave.
"The Adventures
of Tom Sawyer" is like that half-eaten Big Mac you saw sitting
on top of the garbage on your way to work this morning. It hasn't
touched the rest of the garbage yet, so you could THEORETICALLY eat
it, and PROBABLY not die, but dear lord, man, WHY?! When there are
so many alternatives, why put yourself through that? The time you've
wasted reading this review is already too much time to ever spend
thinking about this game.
-reviewed 8/18/03 - game copyright 1989 SETA
I refrained from
mentioning Injun Joe, who IS in the game. Also I got to use an INORDINATE
amount of INAPPROPRIATE CAPITALIZATION.
See above.
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2
- Frog ugly |
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3
- Someone went and stepped on the cat's tail |
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2
- Easy as pushin' rope uphill |
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1
- "I'd like to let you play this here NES
game, honest injun; but Aunt Polly's awful particular about it
gettin' done right..." |
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11% |
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer on MobyGames
Gameplay video at NESGuide
"Suppose
you were an idiot... And suppose you were a game developer for Seta...
But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain (sort of)
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